Gavin’s Gaily Gigest

What you didn’t read:
Captain of the Titanic Alistair Darling has put a champagne cork in the hull in his pre-sinking report as part of an 20 minute package aimed at saving the ship.
But magic pixies - and compulsory prayer - will roll out to help make it work.

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What do you do if a business confidence survey comes up with an answer which doesn’t fit the current political narrative? Simple. You cleverly insert the word “only” to distort your reporting of the survey. From today’s Guardian:
“The row came on the eve of the latest quarterly business confidence monitor from Lloyds TSB, which shows [...]

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7.30am (or thereabouts): Chancellor Alistair Darling announces a £50 billion rescue package for the banking industry.
9.13am: Stock markets look like this:
(as seen on BBC News)
Now that’s injecting confidence into the banking system.

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Slate’s Sudhir Venkatesh shows it’s not all bad news:
One thing I’ve learned is that economic downturns can be boom times for high-end sex workers. Sex workers of the past waited on street corners, outside bars, and around parks, and their transactions were fleeting and usually for a few dollars. Today’s high-end sex workers see themselves [...]

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The new edition of Politalks, your weekly satirical news roundup, is here. This week we rip into Labour’s latest worst week, as the Tories and Lib Dems utterly fail to capitalise on the Government’s bad fortune:

Feel free to share and share alike, and for those who are interested, here’s the transcript:
It was David versus Goliath [...]

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Gordon Brown mouthpiece cheerleader Jackie Ashley, writing in today’s Guardian, implores Government MPs to think of what matters most when deciding how to vote on the 10p tax rate abolition and 42 day detention without charge. Not the country’s best interests based on a cost-benefit analysis or evidence supported argument, but the Labour Party:
"Discipline under [...]

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I wasn’t going to write about the Serious Fraud Office / BAE Systems High Court judgment last week*, but then Jo posted the thoughts of her BAE-employed friend on the case. In summary, they say that bribery is okay with non-democratic countries because everyone else is doing it and it’s the only way to safeguard [...]

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See if you can guess which one’s the malfunctioning peeper:

"Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to survive the recession*"

* Unless you are a single-person earning under £18,500, in which case you can smile and go fuck yourself (not a verbatim quote from the Prime Minister).

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Listen to the show:

 

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Alistair Darling’s first Budget and Balls’ outburst.

Jacqui Smith announces how ID Cards will roll out (watch Taking Liberties!) and Dizzy’s critique.

Clegg wants to cut the slash the number of MPs following his weekend conference speech.

Tories lose another MP.

Mixed polls for all the parties.

If [...]

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Alistair Darling has prematurely revealed the details of today’s Budget:

Punitive tax on runaway eyebrows.
Emissions limits on ministers’ hot air and cremations for alcoholics to be banned in order to meet the government’s Kyoto obligations.
Reverse the UK’s -$111,000,000,000 current account deficit by putting a vertical line through the minus symbol.
Introduce a ’showroom tax’ of up to [...]

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