Gavin’s Gaily Gigest

The new edition of Politalks, your weekly satirical news roundup, is here. This week we discuss sexual heroes big, small and disgustingly huge:

Feel free to share and share alike, and for those who are interested, here’s the transcript:

The world gained a new sexual hero this week. A man of such awesome virility he must masturbate five times daily so his testicles don’t explode. A man who wears platform shoes to prevent his gargantuan dick from touching the ground. A man who has felt the moist insides of "no more than 30" women. Enter stage-liberal Nick Clegg, finally solving the mystery of his curious swagger.

Of course, the clues to Clegg’s role as lothario of the nation have always been there - his support for the women’s movement, especially the up-down one in the reverse missionary, his love of literature and his keen lobbying on behalf of Durex. In an interview with Piers Morgan Mr Cleggover confessed to having had complaints from his sexual partners and Piers Morgan confessed to not knowing what sex is, having spent his entire life pleasuring himself by listening to his own smug, self-satisfied voice.

Speaking of overgeared sex drives, Ken Livingstone revealed he’s had five children with three different lovers. Rumours that one of them is hidden under a divan bed and he enjoys child pornography are entirely unfounded. Not to be out-scandalised, Boris Johnson promptly revealed he’d dabbled in cocaine as a teenager. Not for him the proletarian delights of cannabis, he much preferred the bourgeois  drug of choice as befits a man of his stature. Still, spending his formative years shoving the white stuff up his nostrils at five grand a pop explains his current shocking hair style. Brian Paddick has yet to reveal his skeleton in the closet, but if he ends up having been the fifth Beatle that makes the full set: sex, drugs and rock and roll.

Nick Eriksen, a British National Party candidate for the London Assembly, has been unmasked as the author of the Sir John Bull blog. Amongst other droplets of political wisdom, Mr Eriksen wrote:

"Rape is simply sex. Women enjoy sex, so rape cannot be such a terrible physical ordeal. To suggest that rape, when conducted without violence, is a serious crime is like suggesting that forcefeeding a woman chocolate cake is a heinous offence."

Regrettably, he has been removed as a BNP candidate before he could utter the immortal words

"Rape is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman"

The expenses of several prominent MPS were released by the House of Commons on Friday, unearthing amongst other things that John Prescott spent £4,000 on food. That sounds like a lot, but then you have to consider this equates to just three quid per stone of John Prescott. Given his sexual activities in the past I’m surprised he didn’t claim for a triple-reinforced mahogany table with which he oversized, wobbly bottom could merrily bang an endless succession of no doubt blind secretaries. Sorry, I’ve come over all Nick Clegg.