Gavin’s Gaily Gigest

FFS It’s Monday has changed into Politalks, taking an irreverent and sometimes downright offensive look at the past week in politics through the audio-visual medium of Youtube video, in collaboration with Lee Griffin of the Program you own mind blog. And here’s our inaugural effort:

Feel free to share and share alike, and for those who are interested, here’s the transcript:

Barely a week goes by at the moment without the vaguely named topic of “sleaze in politics” popping up like a Z-list celebrity at the making of a home sex tape. In recent months, we’ve had a walnut-coated Secretary of State, a pip-squeak-voiced Shadow Chancellor and an enterprising idiot all come down with a touch of the dodgy. And now to add to this illustrious list of the great and dumb step forward Tory MP Derek Conway, whose only previous achievement seems to have been eating all the pies. He’s been caught giving public money to his two sons for doing precisely bugger all, which in the case of his foppish, fashion journalist elder son is one of the things he enjoys.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve nothing against gay people, and I hope I never do, but the sight of this privileged twat about town claiming money from the public purse for the sole reason his Daddy says he can makes me want to grab a couple of bottles of Bollinger and smash his smug, blonde face in. David Cameron, naturally enough, has promised full disclosure of all Shadow Cabinet employees, and Nick Clegg has gone so far as to list all staff that work for him on his website. In both cases, however, there’s a whiff of bolting stable doors after horses have bolted, except of course the horses are impeccably dressed with a keen eye for what’s going to be hot next season.

Brown and Cameron were cat fighting across the despatch box on Wednesday, in the Parliamentary equivalent of dick swinging, arguing their police reforms are bigger and harder than the others. They both want to see the reintroduction of the pre-1980s sus laws, or for those of us too young to remember, the criminal offence of “Walking whilst Black or Asian”. The next on the list of red tape cutting will presumably be legal representation, taping interviews and the ban on beating up suspects, which let’s face it do stop the police from doing their job effectively, if that job is acting like Gene Hunt from Life on Mars.

The Liberal Democrats in the EU Parliament have pushed through a call to ban patio heaters as another step in their global war on climate change. Spring and Summer are known to be quaking in their boots at the thought of the approaching yellow peril as rumours abound they will be the next target of the Lib Dems almighty wrath. Spring and Summer of course contributing to the warming of the Earth’s atmosphere by over 10 degrees Celsius every single year, and thus doing more to change the planet’s climate than any other factor… except for the hot air emanating from Jeremy Clarkson’s mouth.

Staying with the EU, Tory MEP Daniel Hannan last week compared one of his German colleagues to Charlie Chaplin impersonator Adolf Hitler. Not directly of course, but by saying that he was tempted to compare a measure proposed by the German, and I quote:

“… to the [Nazi Enabling Act] of 1933 but I think that would be disproportionate and perhaps a little rude to our president, who is a committed democrat and a decent man.”

In critiquing this statement, I can do no better than quote blogger James Graham, who said:

“I have to say I would almost be tempted to call Young Master Hannan a shameless little cunt and a chinless wonder to boot, but I think that would be disproportionate and perhaps a little rude to someone who I am sure is nice to small animals and kind to his mother.”

And finally, I couldn’t go without mentioning McDonald’s, the fast food giant this week given the right to offer nationally recognised qualifications to its employees. I have to watch what I say in this segment, as McDonalds are notorious for suing the pants off anyone who so much as suggests they are a profit-hungry, junk-food peddling, exploitative, third-world wrecking polluting bunch of immoral fucks, so, might I just say how much I welcome MaccyDs into the fold of educating our youngsters and look forward to the day we’re all living under the benevolent leadership of Ronald McDonald.